My heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run

 

Habit, routine, repetition. The staples of a safe and non threatening daily routine. These are things that comfort me and give me stability. But my inner rebel is constantly fighting against the safe boundaries by which I restrict it.

I realised today that triathlon has kept my inner rebel quiet for some time. Too focused, too busy, too tired to want anything other than the routine it provided. And of course the distraction of the boundaries that were forever changing as I continued to push against them, just a little bit more, kept my blinkers firmly on. Achieving the challenges I would set myself was both humbling and exciting. It brought me much happiness and confidence and I fell in love with the ability of my body to constantly give me what I wanted.

Like any thing in life, things change, Relationships wax and wane, and the one i hold with the sport I love is no different. And of course when things are less exciting then they were, we begin to question whether we really still want them ; is there a bigger thrill somewhere else, or do we just need to ride this out until we turn the next corner?

Habit and routine are safe. Safe is nice, unthreatening and like an old warm jumper. But safe can get boring and boring does not hold my attention for long. I am torn between familiarity and the unknown. Sometimes a leap of faith (or a dash of mindless impulsivity),  is all we need to find out the answer to the question; is there something better?

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Currently I am not sure. But I am at least beginning to think about different possibilities, different challenges. An elderly, dear friend of mine once wisely told me:

” We women always need a challenge, whether it be cerebral, physical, emotional or practical, without one we are lost”.

I think about this often when I am either rejoicing or cringing over my colourful past and as I reflect, I realise she is right. An occupied mind is a peaceful one. And as I contemplate my future and what potentially stupid step I will next make, I take comfort in the fact that whatever I do, I will have a story tell.

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