Finding the courage to expect nothing.

I am not sure at which point, if at any in life, that you ever feel constantly invincible.

I have been thinking about this a lot this week. As someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, I have never really stopped to think long enough before I open my mouth. This combined with a propensity for risk taking has led me to a lot of trouble in the past.

My mother, being more cautious, has always warned me that being so open, so accommodating and impulsive, can lead to heartache. She has been right. But try as I might, it is not my nature to keep people I genuinely like at arms length, to abstain from hobbies I love etc. Being cautious does not come naturally to me.

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But being open and book like can leave any person vulnerable.  And yet without it, how do we find the courage to ever make changes, to improve our lives, to be passionate about anything? Can we ever be courageous without walking the tightrope of vulnerability?

I am either all or I am nothing. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is just who I am. A believer that anything I choose to do should be done with an intense passion. Because, how can we achieve great things if we do not love what we are doing?

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And so I have been thinking; that whilst being passionate and impulsive is a risky business, without it my life would have been very different. My memories less intense, less remarkable, less colourful and less varied. It is just who I am.

Its hard for me to apply myself to anything that I do not believe in, whether that be a friendship, a career, a hobby. If  I cannot immerse myself and feel joy, it will just not work for me. And often it doesn’t and I walk away. Fully intact.

Today as I ran a half marathon somewhat slowly. I pondered about all of this and my terrible compulsion to always be better, to try harder and to want more. More of everything. But is more always better?  At what point does an elixir become a poison? And what if more of something isn’t an option? For some people this is never an issue because they can be happy with ‘some’ but not all.

But what about me , I wondered as I tried to push myself today and my body didn’t respond. Can I be happy with something that doesn’t encompass everything I want? Can I still  gain pleasure and be passionate about anything that won’t give me a sense of euphoria? Because in the end, that is is what risk taking is all about, the euphoria of achieving, the quenching of a passion so intense that sometimes nothing else matters.

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Maybe, I just need to find the courage to tread that tight rope, open my heart and accept that this time it may all end in heartache and just as likely, it may not.. Letting go of expectations; now thats the hard part.

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